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  • Yazdır

Hasan Haspihaloğlu ile Ramazan sohbetleri..

 

Çaycı olarak çalıştığım ZIPZIP TV’nin patronu bütün müdürleri toplamış, avaz avaz bağırıyordu.

-        Kardeşim aylardan ne, Ramazan. Diğer bütün televizyon kanalları “ İftar Sohbeti, sahur sohbeti “ adında programlar yaparken, binlerce insanı toplarken, reyting rekorları kırarken siz ne halt edersiniz.. Biz de niye yok. Size 24 saat süre.. Yarın akşam iftara bu program yetişecek… Yoksa hepinizi kapının önüne koyarım..

Patronun bu azarlı toplantısından iki saat geçmişti ki telefon çaldı. “Bakalım kim ne isteyecek” diye açtım. Aman bizim müdür Mıstaa Bey..

-        Koş Hasan efendi, uç Hasan efendi.. Genel Müdür’ün odasına gel, dedi..

Merdivenleri üçer, beşer atlayarak çıktım. Bütün müdürler orada.

                  Müdürlerden biri kalktı, bana gülümseyerek yer gösterdi. Tövbe rüyada mıyım, neyim.

-        Estağfurullah efenim, filan dediysem de, beni omzumdan bastırıp oturttu.

Genel Müdür;

-        Hasan Efendi, seni severiz bilirsin. Duydum ki sen geçmişte hocaymışsın. Bizim patronun söylediklerini de duydun. Yarın akşama bu programı yetiştiremezsek yandık.  Her şey tamam ancak, sohbeti yapacak hoca yok. Bütün tiviler hocaları kapmış. Umudumuz sensin.

-        Ama efendim ben ilkokul öğretmeniydim, din hocası değil..

-        Olsun, sen başarırsın, zaten bu programlar dini içerikli değil, genel kültür gibi bir şey. Maaşına zam yapacağız, her program için prim alacaksın.

E, baştan söylesene müdür.. Bir gecede din, kültür alimi olurum be..

-        Tamam efendim, dedim, hiç merak etmeyin.

Koştum eve. İnternetten diğer tivilerde yapılan programları karıştırdım. Harbiden dinle alakası yok. Hocalara baktım, dudaklarında bir gülümseme, yüzlerinde nur, pembe yanak ve bittabi badem bıyık.. Mübarek adamlar, her şeyi de biliyorlar. Sanki adamların sinirleri alınmış.. Abuk subuk sorulara gülümseyerek, hiiiç istiflerini bozmadan cevap veriyorlar. Binlerce insan da “ belki beni kamera gösterir “ deyip, gecenin o saatinde hocaları izlemeye, garip garip sorular sormaya gelmişler.

 

O akşama hazırdık. Binlerce insan sohbetimizi izlemeye gelmişti. Cumhur olan soyadım da konsepte uygun olarak Haspihaloğlu olarak değişti. Çalı süpürgesi bıyıklarım da devlet büyüklerini örnek alıp badem şekline sokuldu. Başta biraz zorlandım, ama soruları görünce coştum, coştum.. Reyting rekorları kırdık.. Bana transfer teklifleri bile gelmeye başladı..

 

İşte o sohbetlerimizin soru – cevap kısımlarından seçtiğim bir demeti sizinle paylaşıyorum.

 

Soru – Haspihal Hocam odamın duvarına Justin Biber’in biberini astım, caiz mi?”

Cevap – Güzel yavrum, kim bu justin? Sanırım ecnebi.. Niye onun biberini asıyosun? Yerli biber mi bulamadın? Sivri biber var, köy biberi var, dolmalık biber var.. Asaydın birini..

 

Soru – Hocam, eşim kirli geziyo, boy aptesti almıyo, ne halt edeyim?

Cevap – Bak canım kızım, evde banyo var mı, var, duş var mı var.. Sen gir duşun altına, banyonun kapısını da aralık bırakmayı unutma. Şimdi seslen kirli ve pasaklıya.. Gerisini olmuş bil… Okey kızım..

 

Soru – Hocam artık kuşum ötmüyor, ne yapacağım?

Cevap – Ulan herif beni Haydar Dümen’le karıştırdı sanırım.. Bak emmiciğim, hayat bu.. Zaman geçer, akan dereler akmaz olur, öten kuşlar ötmez olur.. Dünyaya hükmedersin de kuşuna, kanadına hükmedemezsin.. Ne diyeyim, mesir macunu, cezerye, fındık, pestil karışımlı kuş yemleriyle besle kuşu.. Bel ki öter.. Ötmezse de bir veterinere götür emmiciğim, bulurlar bir çaresini..

 

Soru – Sayın hocam, erkek fotoğrafının asılı olduğu duvara karşı namaz kılabilir miyim?

Cevap – A be kızım, resimde ki erkeğin kim olduğuna, giyinik mi, anadan üryan mı, duvarın biriket mi, tuğla mı, sıvalımı, sıvasız mı olduğuna göre değişir. Sorunun cevabını “ Duvarlar ve ibadet “ adlı eserimde görebilirsin..

 

Soru – Hocam, komşunun meyvesini habersizce yemek günah mı?

Cevap – Ah be yavrum, sen İstanbul’da meyve yetiştiren komşu bulduysan ye anasını satayım, ye gitsin.. E tabi, meyve “ yasak meyve “  ise dikkat etmek gerekir.. .. Komşuya da yakalanmamak gerek.. Komşu işteyken, evde yokken, meyve de “ hadi gel, gel de ye beni “ mesajını gönderiyorsa koş yavrum, hiç durma…

 

Soru – Sevgili hocam, hamile bir kadın saçını kısa kestirirse bebeğin ömrü de kısalır mı?

Cevap – A be kızanım, bebek anneye saç bağıyla değil, göbek bağıyla bağlıdır. Amma velakin, kuaför annenin saçına makası yaklaştırdığında, bebek anneyi tekmeliyorsa, içerden “ kesmeeeeee… “ diye bağırıyorsa düşünmek icap eder..

 

Soru – Hocam, canım hocam, cinsiyet değiştiren biri ölürse onu bayan mı erkek mi yıkar?

Cevap – Eveeet..  Bu konu da çok farklı görüşler var.. Kimi der ki, erkek doğdu, ölünce de erkek kabul edilir; erkek yıkasın. Kimi der ki, kendini nasıl hissederek yaşadıysa öyledir, yani kadın yıkasın. Ben de derim ki, biri sıcak suyu döksün, öteki de köpürterek yıkasın.. Allah rahmet eylesin..

 

Soru – Hocam, ben sevdiğime kavuşmak için, sevdiğim de kendi sevdiğine kavuşmak için dua ediyor. Hangimizin ki kabul olur?

Cevap – Yavrum, canım kızım, bu nasıl bir ilişkidir, anlayamadım. Bak kızım, o dallamadan sana bir hayır gelmez.. Sen bence başka kapıya.. Yok illa da o olsun dersen, tavsiyem sevdiğinin sevdiğine bolca beddua et.. Muska yazdır, kapkara büyüler yaptır..  Belki işe yarar..

 

Soru – Hocam, eşimin amcası ya da dayısı bana helal midir?

Cevap – Pamuk kızım sen Ferhunde’mi sin?  Hani “ Yaprak Dökümü “ diye bir dizi vardı. Kayınpeder  Ali Rıza vardı. Hani bildin mi, eski solcu.. (Bütün kariyeri bitmiş ünlüler gibi, sonradan Tayyıp Bey hayranı olan..) İşte bu Ali Rıza’nın gelini olan Ferhunde, evin nerdeyse bütün erkeklerine sarkmıştı.. Bir Ali Rıza kalmıştı.. Bereket Ali Rıza beş kez kalp krizi geçirdi de yakayı kurtardı..

Kızım galiba sen bu dizinin etkisinde kalmışsın.. Niye illa da eşin gillerden birinin peşindesin yavrum, erkek mi yok. Tövbe, tövbe..

 

Soru – Hocam kulağıma su kaçtı, orucum bozulur mu?

Cevap – Güzel yavrum, suyun cinsine göre değişir. Damacana mı, pet mi, cam şişe mi yoksa musluk suyu mu, diyeceğim, zaman kaybı.. Yavrucum, senin kulak mideye mi bağlı..

 

Soru – Hocam, çocuğum olmuyor, ne yapayım?

Cevap – Kameraman, soruyu soranı yakın çek. Kızım sen de elini göster. E, kızım sen bekarsın.. Nasıl olacak bu iş.. Önce evlenmen lazım.  Sonrasını da bilenler bilmeyenlere anlatsın..

 

Soru – Hocam, bir kadın kocasına “ git kendi işini kendin gör “ derse caiz mi?

Cevap –  Ah be kızım, körün istediği bir göz, sen veriyorsun iki göz..  Kızım erkek kendi işini kendisi görecekse , seninle niye evlendi, ona yol gösteresin diye mi..  Zaten senle evlenmeden işini nasıl hallediyordu sanıyorsun..  Bak kızım, sen git dersen, erkek milleti bu, nereye gideceği hiç belli olmaz.. Benden söylemesi.. Üzülürsün..

 

Soru – Hasan Hocam, Ramazan’ın tivi dizi ve reklamlarında kullanılması caiz mi?

Cevap – Devlet büyükleri bile dini siyasete alet eyliyor, diyeceğim, işimden olacağım. Neyse, haklısın yavrum, reklam dedin de, “aracınızda bizim lastiği kullanın, iftara geç kalmayın”,  “ bizim sosis ve sucuğumuzu yiyin, Ramazan’da kilo almayın” türünden reklamlar hasta ediyor beni. Hele diziler, misal, hırsız rolünde ki adam imana gelir mahalleye erzak dağıtır. Alkolik rolünde ki adam Ramazan boyunca çay, ayran içer. Meyhane yerine camiye gider. Bana da “ hadi len ordan “ demek düşer..

 

Soru – Hocam tividen sizi izlerken “ Müslüman olmaya çalıştım, kabul olur mu?

Cevap – He hörmetli bayan, he.. Sanki ben Kabe’yim, haşa san ki peygamberim.. Siz de iyice..

 

Soru – Hocam, zina yapan biri ne yapmalı?

Cevap – Lanet olası, bu yola giren iflah olmaz kızım.. Tadına vardı ya, daha tutamazsın.. Devam yavrum, devam.. Şey, soruya devam, demek istedim..

 

Soru – Hocam kadın kabrini ziyaret etmek caiz midir?

Cevap – Ulan ağzımı bozacağım şimdi.. Etinden, sütünden yararlanırsınız.. Uğruna ölür, öldürürsünüz.. Basarsınız dayağı, her yıl yüzlercesini doğrarsınız..  Sora da kabrini ziyaret edecekmiş.. Züttür git ulan, ziyaret etsen noooluur, etmesen noluur..

 

Soru – Hocam, karı koca birbirlerinin vücutlarına bakabilirler mi?

Cevap – Pırlanta kızım, vücut derken neyi kastediyon, mahrem alanları mı? Sana bir tavsiyem var, evlenirsen kocanla ikiz yatağınızın ortasına bir duvar ördürün. Duvarda bir şey açın, eee şey, pencere.. İşte o pencereden şey edin, eee birbirinize bakın.. Aman kızım pencereyi çift cam pimapen yaptırasın.. Erkek milletinin işi belli olmaz, bakmak kafi gelmeyebilir.. Benden söylemesi..

 

Soru – Hocam, benim herif anamı babamı ziyaret etmeme izin vermiyo, hakkı var mı?

Cevap – E bu soruyu soruyorsan, hakkı var derim, kızım, hakkı var.. “Burası mahkeme salonu mu kızım “ diyeceğim, sen bana “ sayın hakim “ diyeceksin.. Sana ben bile yardım edemem kızım..

 

Soru – Hocam, polisin sanığı konuşturmak için işkence yapması caiz mi?

Cevap – Be aslan oğlum,  bu ortamda şu soru sorulur mu? Polis işkence yapabilir yavrum. Ancak, misal sanığa elektrik veriyorsa, elektriğin kaçak elektrik olmaması, parasının devletçe karşılanıyor olması gerekir.  Eğer, sanığa verilen elektrik sanığa fatura edilirse bu olmaz. Yine, polis misal sanığın dişlerini sökecekse, çürük dişlerinden başlamalı. Yani işkence ederken iyilikte yapmalı.. Böylece adamı diş çekim ücretinden kurtarmış olur. Malum SSK dişe, kuşa bakmıyor.. Bir misal daha, polis copla adama kafa göz girişti diyelim, sanığın moraran, şişen yerlerine ilk yardım uygularsa sorun yok demektir..

 

Soru – Hocam devlet memuruyum. Maaşımla geçinemiyorum, mesai bitiminde ek iş yapıyorum. Bu kazancım helal mi?

Cevap – Ey yüce Allah’ım, bunları seçerek mi gönderiyosun bana, yoksa beni sınıyor musun? Canım kardeşim, “ niye memur olduğun anlaşılıyor “ diyeceğim, alınacaksın. Karnını doyurmayan devlete isyan edeceğine, sorduğun soruya bak.. Ah, yavrum müstahak.. Müstahak.. Helal olabilmesi için, ek işten elde ettiğin kazancın yarısını fener, ampul, lamba ne bulursan onlara bağışlaman gerekir yavrum.. Böylece sevap kazanır cennete bile gidebilirsin..

 

Soru – Hocam, erkekler ev işi yapabilir mi?

Cevap – Yavrum, erkek dediğin eve yemeye, içmeye, terlik-pijama giymeye, tivi kanalını değiştirmeye ve şeye gelir, eeee göbeğini kaşımaya, yatmaya gelir. Bunlar az iş mi, daha ne iş yapsın..

 

Soru – Hocam, kadın erkeğe “ git kendi içkini kendin hazırla “ diyebilir mi?

Cevap – Bir dene istersen kızım, bir dene.. Öncesinde 112 ‘yi aramayı unutmayasın…

 

Soru – Hocam, eşimle 3 yıldır aynı evi paylaşmamıza rağmen hiç yatağa girmedik.. Biz boşanmış mı oluyoruz..

Cevap – Sevgili kızım, kastettiğiniz şey oysa, bunun için illa yatağa girmeniz gerekmez.. Evin herhangi bir köşesi bu iş için kullanılabilir. Hem fena mı, yatak eskimemiş ..

 

Soru – Hocam, cinler evlenir mi?

Cevap – Ah yavrum, tabi ki evlenir. Ve hatta “ Angaranın yolları da büklüm büklüm yolları / Bizi sarar İ. Melih’in gıllı golları “, “ hoplayıver, zıplayıver çekirge “ , “ oy farfara farfara, ataş da düştü şalvara “ türünden şarkılar cinlerin düğünlerin de çalınan en meşhur oyun havalarıdır.

 

Soru – Hocam, beni eşimden ayıran birine beddua etsem günah mıdır?

Cevap – Ah be yavrum, sen benle şey mi, yani dalga mı geçiyosun.. Bence sen beddua etme.. O her kimse sana iyilik etmiş.. Kocan olacak herifi de büyük bir felaketten kurtarmış..

 

Soru – Hocam işsizdim, açtım, beni işe alsınlar diye “ tecrübeliyim “ dedim.. Kazancım helal mi?     

Cevap – Vah yavrum vah, asgari ücretli bir iş için bir de yalan mı söyledin?  Üstelik kazancının yüzde kırkına sigorta, vergi diye devlet el koyuyor. Bir de vicdan azabı çekiyorsun ha..  Müstehak, yavrum, müstehak…

 

Soru – Hocaaam, kadın erkeğin kaburga kemiğinden yaratılmış diyolar, ne diyosunuzzz?

Cevap – Allah sizi nasıl biliyorsa öyle yapsın diyorum.. Adamın kaburga kemiğinden koparıp sizi yapmışlar öylemi? Adam da onun için, öcünü almak için sizi dövüp kaburgalarınızı kırıyor, diyelim mi?

Sevgili kızım, kadınlar nasıl yaratıldı bilemiyorum, ancak erkeğin öküzün arkasında, kalça kemiğine yakın bölgeden kopartılan bir kemikten yaratıldığı rivayet edilir..

 

Soru – Hocam geçen gün bir rüya gördüm. Siz denizden yeni çıkmışsınız, üzerinizde mayo.. Sonra sular bööööyle..

Cevap – Aman kızım, aman… Sonrası yok kızım, sonrası yok.. Girme rüyaya, geceye.. Senin nereye varmak istediğin belli.. Suyunu çıkarmadan bitirelim şu akşamı da..

 

Bitirirken  “ Bir toplumun gelişmişlik düzeyi sordukları sorunun kalitesinden bellidir “ dersek, ayıp mı etmiş oluruz..

 

Hasan Aksoy