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       Beni büyüten babaannemle (ebemle) on dört yaşına geldiğimde tanıştım.

Babam beni okula yazdırdığında ben değil de sanki ebem okula yazılmış gibi sevinmişti.  Anlayamamıştım bu sevincin sebebini.  Aman oku deyip üstüme titriyordu. Günler geçtikçe bir şey dikkatimi çekmişti her okul dönüşünde ebem bugün okulda ne öğrendiniz diye soruyordu. Bende yerli, yersiz aklıma gelenleri söylüyordum.

Yıllar geçti ortaokula başladım. Yine bir gün okul dönüşünde, “bugün öğretmen size ne anlattı” diye sordu. Türkiye’nin şehirlerini dedim. Sanki ömrü boyunca bu cevabı bekliyor muşta, kimse sualine cevap vermemiş. Gözleri parladı, rengi değişti, parlayan gözleri karanlığa doğru kaydı ve atmosferin bütün oksijenini yüreğine çekti, olduğu yere çöktü.  Nereden bilebilirdim ki geçmişini, çocukluğunu, hüznünü, acılarını aradığını…

-Gel anlat dedi….

-Neyi ebe

-Şeherleri neyi olacak, nerededir, adlarını say.

Ebem telaş içinde ocaktaki çökelek kazanını indirdi. Acelesi yok ya sonra kaynatırım dedi kendi kendine.

Ebe karnım aç dedim. Sanki beni duymadı. Tekrarladım. Telaşla içeri girdi, yeni yaptığı yufka ekmeğe kaymağı sürdü getirdi. Yüzüme bakmıyordu ama işte ilk o zaman şahit oldum.  İnsanın yüreğindeki acıların gözünden fark edilebileceğine


Hemen açtım kitabı Türkiye haritası, işte ebe iller dedim. Sanki bir adres arıyormuş da haritada bulacakmış gibi bakıyordu. Van’ı göster dedi. Parmağımla işaret ettim. Kitabı aldı eline, yaklaştırdı gözüne, kalp atışlarını duyuyordum. Sanki Van’dan bir avuç toprak olsa, yangın yerini söndürmek için yüreğine serpecek.

Ya Malatya dedi. Parmağımla Malatya’yı da gösterdim.  Yine yaklaştırdı gözlerine bu defa başka bir şey arıyordu sanki. Parmağını haritanın üzerinde gezdirdi, doğduğu topraklara, evlerine, oynadığı bahçelere,  çocukluğuna, acılarına dokunur gibi. Gözünden bir damla yaş haritanın üzerine damladı. Bana belli etmeden öğnüğüyle sildi. Buraya çok mu uzak dedi.  Hiç alıştığım ses değildi ebemin dudaklarından dökülen. Arabayla on, on iki saat dedim. Ya yürüyerek dedi… Yürünmez onca yol aylar sürer dedim. Bu sözüme mi içerlendi yoksa başka bir şeye mi. Artık öğnüğüyle gözyaşlarını silerek saklayamayacağını oda anladı. Yürünür, yürünür hem de dokuz yaşında iken bile yürünür dedi. O an anlayamadım dokuz yaşında bu yolun nasıl yüründüğünü ve ebemin bunu nereden bildiğini. Zemheri gibi çöktü üzerime amansız yakalandım dokuz yaşındaki çocuk yüreğine…

        Elimi elinin içine aldı. Acılarına gözyaşı yol gösteriyordu, damla damla döktü hikâyesini önüme.

        “dokuz yaşındaydım bir gece uykudayken, anam telaşla kaldırdı beni” diye anlatmaya başladı.

“Çabuk kalk gidiyoruz, acele etmemiz lazım dedi. Çok korktum, nereye dedim. Bilmiyorum dedi. O zaman çocuğum soramadım ki insan bilmediği yere nasıl gidebilir diye. Bir battaniyeye sarıldım çıktık evden. Tüm köy toplanmıştı meydana. Başlarında askerler hadi çabuk çabuk diye bağırıyorlardı. Kesin bir yere yetişecektik. Ecelle sözümüz varmış ya, acelemiz ondanmış sonradan anladım.

        Kafile halinde yürüyorduk. Hiç durmadan öğlen vaktine kadar yürüdük ayaklarımda derman kalmamıştı. Olduğum yere çöktüm, annem kucağındaki kardeşimi yere indirdi bana koştu.  Daha gelmedik mi dedim. Her şeye tek cevabı vardı annemin “bilmiyorum”.

        Günlerce yürüdük geceleri çok soğuk oluyordu, çok üşüyordum. Bir süre sonra bazı çocuklar hastalanmaya başladı. Gözlerimin önümde çok çocuk, çok yaşlı öldü. Zatürre, salgın hastalık, açlık, sefalet, tüm bunların üstüne birde eşkıya baskınları. Neyimiz varsa silah zoruyla alıyorlardı. Köylerden geçerken bazı köylüler bizlere yardım ediyor bazı köyler ise, köye bile girmemizi istemiyorlardı. Tam hatırlamıyorum yirmi üçüncü gündü sanırım, bende hastalandım. Çevredeki köylerden Malatya sınırları içerisinde olduğumuzu öğrendik. Birkaç gün sonra benim hastalığım da iyice ilerlemişti. Dizimde derman yoktu ama yürümeye ferman vardı.

Köyümüzün en yaşlısı Mariam diye bir kadın, köyde kim hastalansa hemen kendince ilaçlar hazırlar yardımına koşardı. Bizimle aynı kafiledeydi, bir mola esnasında yanıma geldi gözlerime baktı, ateşimi eliyle yokladı, annemi kenara çekip bir şeyler konuştu…..

         Mariam konuşurken annem bir anda hıçkırıklar arasında kaldı. Benim yanıma geldi hiç bir şey demeden kollarımdan tuttu yüreğine bastı, yüzümden anlımdan öptü, öptü, titriyordu. Nereden bilebilirdim bu ömrümün son sevgi sıcaklığı olacağını. Bilseydim doyasıya kokusunu içime çekmez miydim, bilseydim bu ayrılığın sonsuz olacağını, doyasıya sarılıp öpmez miydim? Güçlükle “söz sonra gelip seni alacağız” dedi. Kaç defa bu cümleyi tekrarladı durdu bilmem. Neden, nasıl, ne zaman diye, bile soramadım. Hemen anlatmaya başladı. “çok hastasın yavrum, Mariam böyle yürümeye devam edersek senin de öleceğini söylüyor. Sana kıyamam ömrümün gülü, gönlümün güvercini, burada iyi bir aile bulup onlara bırakacağız seni, bizde bir yere yerleşince gelip alacağız”. İtiraz etmeye çalıştım elini ağzıma dayadı konuşturmamak için “iyi dinle dedi”. “kimseyle kavga etme, uysal ol, bizden bahsetme, onların dünyasına alışmaya çalış, ve bizi unutma Sofia, bizi unutma Sofia………..


Yüreği ömür boyu sürgünlere mahkûm edilen Sofia.

Dokuz yaşında dünyası olmayan Sofia.

Anası, babası, kimsesi olmayan Sofia.

Çocukluğu sürgün yollarında yarım kalan Sofia

Tek sığınacağı gözündeki iki damla yaş olan Sofia

Annesinin ömrünün gülü, gönlünün güvercini Sofia anlatmaya devam etti.


“Üzüntüyle ve ateşin etkisiyle bayılmışım. Gözümü açtığımda yaban ellerdeydim. Tek aklımda kalan annemin solgun yüzü ve tekrarladığı sözüydü. “Söz seni gelip alacağız”

Mahmut Ağa beni sahiplenmişti.  Karısı ve dört çocuğu vardı, zengin bir aileydi. Aile içinde adım Safiye olmuştu. Köy de ise gâvur kızı. Safiye olmak kolaydı ama ya gâvur kızı. Küçük yüreğim nice zemheriler, nice tufanlar gördü. Yıllar çalışmayla, tarlada ırgatlıkla, geçti. Anamın öğüdü hep aklımdaydı. Kimseyle kavga etmedim. Onların çalıştığından daha çok çalıştım, inandıklarına daha fazla inandım, bağlandıklarına daha çok bağlandım ki gavur kızı olmaktan kurtulayım.

On altısına gelince Mahmut Ağa dedenle evlendirdi. On yedisinde baban doğdu.  Çok zorluklar çok yoksulluklar çektik.  Zamanla köylüde benim sürgünde olduğumu unuttu.  Ama ta ki kardeşim beni bulana kadar….

Baban on bir yaşındaydı. Bir gün muhtar dedene acele gelsin diye haber yollamış. Gitti bir saat sonra perişan bir halde geldi. Bana söyleyeceği vardı belliydi. O zamana kadar hayatıma dair ne bir sual sormuş, nede tek bir kelime etmişti. Zaten anamın öğüdüydü kimseye de bir şey anlatmazdım ya.  Bana kızgın bir şekilde gidecek misin dedi. Anlamadım ne demek istediğini.  Nereye giderdim.

Muhtar senin için çağırtmış dedi. Kardeşim ve amcam beni götürmek için gelmişler. Kardeşim büyümüş civan bir delikanlı olmuş, amcamın acılar belini bükmüş.  Görür görmez yüreğim serçe kanadında havalandı, konacak dalı yoktu, zaman durdu. Kardeşimin yüzü ne çok anama benziyordu. Öpemediğim, doyamadığım, sarılıp veda edemediğim anama. On dokuz yıl öncesine döndüm anamın sözü kulağımda, ”söz gelip seni alacağız”. Ben ki hep bu günü beklemiştim, tüm bu acıları bu gün gelecek diye sineme yoldaş etmiştim.  

Anamı sordum beni buraya bıraktıktan on gün sonra oda hastalanmış ve yolda zatürreden ölmüş.  Mekânsız, yurtsuz garip anam, sürgün yollarında hayatı tükenmiş anam, iki yavrusuyla bilinmeyen yolculuklara mahkûm edilmiş anam. Oğlunu ve bu topraklara emanet ettiği kızını yani beni amcama emanet etmiş. Son söylediği söz “mutlaka gidin alın Sofia’yı” olmuş. Ağladım, ağladım yüreğimdeki acıları gözyaşımla akıtırım diye ağladım. Baban daha küçük, sarıldı boynuma neden ağlıyorsun diye. On bir yaşındaki çocuğa bu acılar anlatılmaz ki. Sustum bir şey diyemedim gözyaşımı içime akıttım. Acılarla yaşamak kaderimmiş diye.

Üç gün kaldılar burada benim kararımı beklediler. Düşündüm, saatlerce düşündüm topraklarıma, anama, kardeşime hasret bu kadar yıl yaşadım, şimdide yuvama ve yavruma hasret yaşayabilir miyim diye.  İkinci bir sürgünü bu beden kaldırmaz ki ve yok dedim vatanım burasıdır. Yuvam, yavrum, acılarım, gençliğim buradadır dedim. Gitmedim, gidemedim”. Dedi ve…

Döndü bana hayatta tek arzum doğduğum yurdumu tekrar görmekti ama artık oda mümkün değil dedi. Eğer ölürsem beni yıkamadan gömün. Anlayamadım neden diye sordum. Sürgünde ölenlerin hiç biri yıkanmadı ki hepsi elbiseleriyle gömüldüler benimde vasiyetimdir sana, beni de yıkamadan gönüm dedi. Ebem anlattıkça gözyaşlarına gözyaşımı ortak ettim. Çektiği acılara da ortak eder mi yüreğimi diye sessizce dinledim.

Bana bu hikâyesini anlattıktan bir yıl sonra, ebem tek başına yaşadığı acılarını da yanına alıp göçüp gitti bu dünyadan.  Doğduğu toprakları göremedi ama anası gibi, sürgün yollarında yitirdiği yakınları gibi oda yıkanmadan ve elbiseleriyle gömüldü. Mezar taşına ise Sofai Naregyan yazıldı.






(Not: Bu hikâye ve hikâyedeki karakterler tamamen kurgudur.)

Sürgün yollarında bu acıları çekenlerin ve hayatını kaybedenlerin anısına.