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Ne zaman gelmiştik bu ellere, yoksa hep burada mıydık, ya köyümüz hayal miydi ya da gerçeğin ta kendisi mi? Hatırlamıyorum… Hatırlayamıyorum.

Bu göç ne zahmetli olmuştu bizlere. Yanımıza her şeyimizi alamamıştık, yükümüz ağırlaşmasın diye. Türkümüzdeki aman amanları bile oralarda bıraktık. İnsanlığın yarısını, muhabbetin birazını, yoksulluğun hepsini yanımıza aldık. Hasretimiz, hüznümüz, çocukluğumuz göç yollarında kayıp….

Yükümüzü yüklemiş yola çıkarken, arkamızdan bakan bucak damında kalmış bir gelin ağıtıydı. Kocasına yakmıştı türküyü, askere gideli iki yıl olmuştu. Ne zaman gelir bilinmezdi. Yalnızlığına ağıtını ortak etmişti.  O zamanlar türküler yazılmazdı yakılırdı. Yüreğini yakmak türkü yakmakla eşdeğerdi. Bu ellerde yürek yanmadan türküler yazılır ya ondadır yavanlığı…


Yol boyunca hayallerimiz her araçla yarışırdı. Hepsini geçtiğine hiç şaşırmıyorduk.  Zaten biz bu yola hayalle çıkmıştık elbette arkada mı kalacaktı.

Bir ahbabın yardımıyla gecekondu dedikleri yerde, köyde iki dananın sığabileceği bir dama beş nüfus yerleştik. Hiç mühim değildi, çalışır köydeki gibi bir ev yaptırırdık. Ah birde iş bulabilseydik…

Bu koca şehir de herkese iş varda, bir bize mi yok dedik vardık iş aramaya ve sonunda da bulduk. Belediye de bahçe işleri. Tam bize göre zaten köyde de aynı işi yapmıyor muyduk? Bildiğimiz iş. Fakat kazandığımız paranın, yediğimiz ekmeğin tadının, köyden farklı olacağını hesap edemedik.  İnsan hayatı bu kadar mı paraya bağlanırmış burada öğrendik.

Zaman bu ellerde mi hızlı geçer yoksa köyde de böyle miydi kestiremiyorum. Geleli yıllar oldu biz arpa boyu yol alamadık. Tek farkımız çocuklar büyüdükçe muhabbetimiz azaldı, muhabbetimiz azaldıkça çocuklar büyüdü. Eş eşi, dost dostu aramaz oldu. Hep düşünürüm bu ellerde de komşu komşunun külüne muhtaç mıdır?  Nasıl muhtaç olabilir ki kimse kimseyi tanımadıkça…

Yaşlı anam bizimle gelmedi buraları nasıl bırakırım diye. Viran hanemizi anama, anamı viran hanemize emanet edip geldik. Gelenden gidenden haberini alırım. Arada sırada arar sağlığını sorarım. Garip Anam tarlasında ekini, bir dikili ağacı olmasa da,  bu sene yağmurun yağmadığına, malların para etmediğine, kaysının tutmadığına yanar.

 İlaçlarını alamamış yine bu ay, parası olmadığından değilmiş ha…çaresiz inanırım. Kazaya gidecek birini bulamamış… Ah be anam bana niye demedin ben giderim demek geçer içimden.

Nasıl vakit geçirdiğini sorarım. Komşular hep yanındaymış, hiç yalnız bırakmıyorlarmış, olmasalar da hiç sıkılmıyormuş. “Ne yaparsın da sıkılmazsın anam” dediğimde “oğul yol gözlerim, yolunu gözlerim” der yüreğimi kaç parçaya böler bilmem….yüreğimin parçalarını göz yaşımla tuttururum….

Her sabah babamın mezarını ziyaret edermiş. Ana niye her sabah dediğimde “oğul senden haber götürürüm” der.  Selam edermiş. Babam dönmemiş askerden. Ben üç yaşındayken şehit düşmüş. Bilirim hiç unutmaz babamı, öleli yirmi yıl geçse de. Babamla beraber büyümüş köyde. Annesini babasını hiç hatırlamazmış. Sadece isimleri varmış aklında. Sürgünde hastalanmış, kafile köyden geçerken bırakmak zorunda kalmışlar. Bir aileye teslim etmişler sonra gelir alırız diye. Zaman geçmiş anamın yüreğinde ki sürgün hiç bitmemiş…

Babamla birbirlerine gönül koymuşlar. Bin bir yoksullukla, bin bir çileyle evlenmişler. Anam anlatır evlendiğimizde bir tencere, iki kaşık, birde yatacak çulumuz vardı diye. Bu kadar yoksulluğun üzerine birde bu genç yaşta ersiz, kimsesiz kalmak yıkmıştır anamı. Anlarım ki bucak damında arkamızdan bakan ağıdın sahibidir anam. Yirmi yıldır yasını tutar yirmi yıldır yüreğini yakar. Hemen aklıma gelir geçenlerde bir dergide okudum bizim gibi vatanına hasret, Nazım diye bir şair yazmış “yirminci yüzyılda bir yıl sürer ölüm acısı” diye.  Sorarım anama “ana yirmi yıl geçti bu acıyı nasıl unutmadın diye” bana “oğul yürek yarası yirmi yılda kapanmaz ki” der.

Sonra hemen konuyu kapatır. Torunları sorar, nasıl özlediğini, bir gelseler viran hanesinin şen olacağını, eller gibi yuvasının dolacağını, neyi var neyi yoksa onların önüne dökeceğini. Üç aylık maaşından hepsine asbap aldığını, küçüğün istediği oyuncağı şeherden getirttiğini, kıza çaputtan bebek yaptığını, büyüğü unutmadığını ona da bir çift iskarpin aldığını, hayatta onlardan başka kimsesi olmadığını anlatır. Hepsinin gadasına talip olur. Ah şu gurbetlik diye iç geçirir.  Sitem etmeye başlar bilirim gözyaşları sel olur yüreğindeki hasret ateşini söndürmeye…

Ne zaman döneceğimi sorar. Yazın on günlük iznim var geliriz derim. Temelli ne zaman geleceksin der. Ana sanki bura Almanya’mı temelli dönüş olsun derim. Lafı geçiştirmeye çalışarak zaman kazanırım. Tüm bu siteminin boşa çıktığını anlayınca son darbesini indirir…

Gadasını aldığım, kurban olduğum, sılada doymayacak karınınız mı vardı.”

Dünya döner, başım döner tek duyduğum anamın ağıtıdır.


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